


things just cannot grow beneath the winter snow (or so I have been told)

by mildlyobsessive



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Depression, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Oh god, Seasonal Affective Disorder, Suicidal Thoughts, Triggers, but hey i didn't kill anyone, i need to stop writing this shit, im the worst kind of trash, so that's progress
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-23
Updated: 2015-12-23
Packaged: 2018-05-05 14:50:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5379143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mildlyobsessive/pseuds/mildlyobsessive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It sucks, to put it simply, it <em>fucking sucks</em>, and he can write as many pretty song lyrics about it as he wants, attempt to turn his pain into something poetic, but that won't make the ache in his chest fade.</p>
<p>The songs may be beautiful, but nothing about this is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	things just cannot grow beneath the winter snow (or so I have been told)

**Author's Note:**

> Possible triggers on the topics of depression and suicidal thoughts, so be aware of that.
> 
> The title's from Winter Song by Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson by the way, and you've probably heard it but if you haven't it's absolutely beautiful so listen to it.
> 
> Also, yes I know I cut out part of the lyric for the title but my titles are already as long as old Fall Out Boy song names and this needs to stop tbh.
> 
> Anyway, kids the moral of the story is that Ohio sucks, and as a person that lives there I am entitled to say that.

It's the way that Josh's eyes crinkle when he smiles, and how his hair always seems to be a bright spot in a world of monochrome, no matter what color it is. It's cheery, sunshine filled days in the muggy heat of Ohio.

It's light and happy and beautiful, and so is Tyler.

Until the air develops a bite to it and the leaves start to die off, one by one, and he isn't even sure that the sun exists anymore, because it's forever hidden by sheets of gray. 

Then it's the gray slush coating the cracked sidewalks, the fog that chokes his street like a noose, the temperature dropping so low that he feels frozen from the inside out.

It's dark and disgusting, and Tyler is too.

And that's the time of year when Tyler'll curl up in bed and refuse to get up, the season where he'll find himself spending a bit more time than what's healthy staring at the bags of disposable razors in the closet. The unlocked medicine cabinet. The stairs to the roof of whatever hotel he's staying in. 

He knows he just has to wait it out. He knows that spring brings relief, brings purpose. But that doesn't make the present hurt any less.

Not enough light. Not enough happiness. Not enough hope.

It sucks, to put it simply, it _fucking sucks_ , and he can write as many pretty song lyrics about it as he wants, attempt to turn his pain into something poetic, but that won't make the ache in his chest fade.

The songs may be beautiful, but nothing about this is.

And Josh doesn't get it, as much as Tyler knows he tries to. He doesn't get why whether it's winter or summer makes a difference, can't comprehend why Tyler seems to curl up on himself in time with the red line on the thermometer. Josh just doesn't understand why Tyler is so regular in his misery.

Tyler's glad that Josh can't relate. He wouldn't wish this upon anyone. Not his enemies, not the person he hates most in the world.

Because, _fuck_ , it's so unfair. Winter has been stolen from him, ripped from his hands without hesitation or remorse. As a child it was snowmen and mugs of hot cocoa in front of the Christmas tree. Nowadays, it's more along the lines of debating whether or not killing himself is worth the effort it will take to get out of bed.

Josh asks, no Josh _begs_ for him to just leave Ohio, come with him to LA where the sun shines year round. But Tyler won't do that, can't do that, because without the cold there is no dark and without the dark there is no music, nothing for those broken kids to scream back at him at shows. Because another one of the things that Josh just can't understand is that it's worth it, everything's worth it, if only it keeps one person breathing a little bit longer.

And everytime he says that, Josh screams that maybe Tyler should put a little more effort into keeping himself breathing, too.

Josh is selfish, and Tyler forgives him for that, because he is too. Selfish because he has the audacity to be so sad. Selfish because Jenna loves him and Josh loves him and his fans love him, but he still lies in bed and thinks about how easy it would be to leave them all behind. Selfish because there are people with actual problems, people that have a reason to be like this, but boo-hoo, Tyler Joseph doesn't like it when it gets cold out. 

The doctors call it seasonal affective disorder. Tyler calls it narcissism.

He tells Josh that, once, and Josh is pissed, so pissed that Tyler can feel himself starting to panic.

"You don't ever say that again, do you hear me? This is _not_ your fault. You did _not_ ask for this. And you are _not_ fucking selfish."

Tyler doesn't say it again, but he can't stop himself from thinking it.

Winter is dark and winter is depressing and winter brings out the very worst thoughts.

But that's the thing about seasons. They change, even when it feels like they'll never get around to it.

And so winter slowly melts into spring, with snow trading itself in for flowers and gray clouds finally fucking off and letting the blue shine through.

And Tyler smiles at Josh, really and truly smiles, and they both know that it's going to be okay.


End file.
